I was here.
Here with you.
And I still am.
Like this or differently
could they have sounded
the never forgotten words
thought into your head
controlled by my heart.
Where they can loop jump
in a perfectly jaunty way;
softly bedded they fall
into your feelings
and they stay put
barefooted between daisies.
Don't get up.
We lie here forever together.
And then later.
Then we stay.
On a mutual road.
Like this or differently
could they have sounded
the words of warming confidence
who give the courage
to acknowledge the doubt
and celeberate the change.
With small steps into a big world
confidence guides us,
scampering unsighted
winking her enchanted blink
into our clasped fingertips
like shooting stars in the night.
Don't get up.
We lie here forever together.
Hello my dear. Thanks for sharing! I love the second stanza! There's just something about it... I would put "Don't get up we lie here forever" in an extra stanza, because I think it's worth it :) I'm not sure about the mutual road... I think I know what you're trying to say, but in my opinion, mutual does not fit to the tone of the rest of the poem... so you might wanna overthink that :) I like the repetition of "Like this or differently" and the words of warming confidence, nice word picture! Maybe you could start the last stanza with its second line, switch the first two lines here! and who's the "her" in the last stanza? Are you referring to the world? It's confusing. While I appreciate the thought of the world as female, the correct pronoun would be "it" - but you know that. Again, I would separate the last two lines into a last stanza. This would then also mirror the earlier stanza.
AntwortenLöschenThank you my dear :-) I considered your changes of the mutual road. I wasn't really happy with that but I couldn't come up with something better that day. I think the new version of that verse is a better :)
AntwortenLöschenLet me explain the part with confidence:
the stanza started at first with "confides guides us", but then I thought that the whole stanza got a bit confusing in terms of reference. When I start with "with small steps into a big world" I think it's clear that these are "our steps". Otherwise it could be mistaken with "the steps that confidence makes".
I chose the "her" on purpose because I wanted to create a next level to the poem. I tried to make a link to the Greek Goddess Artemis who is the Goddess of confidence who sends her help through her sight, looking at them thus (winking her enchanted blink), but who stays always unseen (scampering unsighted). Therefore I chose "her" instead of "its". With "its" it would render it objectified... Does this make any sense?