Lately it
seems
your face
became a
little too comfortable
in the back
of my head.
Thoughts of
you are striding
through my
imaginative maze.
Where once
originality and
a deep,
dark sarcasm lingered
Atlantic
blue eyes now enrage my creativity
claiming
control over hand and pen
and
shouting out instructions
to my phantasy.
Lately it
seems
your name
has been
printed next
to the
entrance of my dreams.
Making you
half-owner
a roommate
in my sub consciousness.
Trouble is
you haven’t paid the rent.
nice one! I see where you are going! nice imagery!
AntwortenLöschen"shouting out instructions to my phantasy" is really strong!!!
I'd suggest the following:
- insert "like your face" and "like your name" it makes it for me more vibrant
- I'd say it's a "imaginary maze" not an "imaginative maze"
- how about "entrance to my dreams"?
- I'd ommit "half-owner" it somehow feels wrong. "making you a roommate of my subconsciousness" would sound better to my ear
- I'd also make the last linke into two:
"Trouble is
you haven't paid the rent"
that would give the poem a real conceit :-)