Sleek
silver cars stop
as my
lights turn green, urging me to cross over.
“Attraversiamo!”
my head adds
and I
smile.
The day
started with a message:
“I think I’m
starting to miss you…”
I nod in
confirmation – welcome to the club!
Eyes
half-closed, head turned towards the sunshine
I walk
along the ridge facing East.
Beams of
light reflect on the smooth surface
of the
salty ocean next to me.
There’s
people running by
people
cycling past me
and the
ever-moving morning traffic on the street
moving towards
hideous, red brick buildings.
I sigh as I
turn towards the sailboats
remembering
giant, yellow sandstones
and my
heart calls out
“I miss you
too!”
heyho! so here comes my mustard ;)
AntwortenLöschenfirst of all, I think it would be more effective if you turned the first two stanzas around, beginning with "the day started..." it would frame up the poem and support the narrative structure.
Plus, I would like to get a better picture of the "hideous, red brick buildings" I think that could be a very strong image, but like this it is way too weakly evoked.
In addition, I think you tend to give away your turning point at the beginning of a line. why not: "My head turned towards the sunshine, eyes half-closed..." and/or "As I turn towards the sailboats, I sigh..."
since the stress is mostly put to the end of a line, this would give it a crescendo, so to speak.
Also, if you give me Italian, give me more not only one silly word! I want to see worlds collide and no alienated piece in a whole of strangeness. Do you get what I mean? :D
AND the traffic? it's an ever-moving traffic that moves towards XY. change the predicator. why not "crawling towards" or "rushing towards"? a little bit more of a movement, you know.
All in all, I think you could turn that into a really nice morning, sleepy, contemplating mediation :)