I like the nasty undertone throughout the poem. The way the words play with the reader's idea of what is forbidden and finally reveals itself at the end of the poem. Words like "potent", "Rhythm", "groaning" seem to lead the idea of the whole poem till the end. I wonder what'd happen if you rearrange the poem's structure. Cutting words here and joining lines there to one. Possibly I like the idea of playing with your poem now... shall I do so or is it ... forbidden? :)
The impossibility Of recapitulating the rhythm of groaning Of putting indescribable moments Into potentially empty words, Before you lose your breath Is so much more enjoyable When we do something Forbidden.
I like the nasty undertone throughout the poem. The way the words play with the reader's idea of what is forbidden and finally reveals itself at the end of the poem. Words like "potent", "Rhythm", "groaning" seem to lead the idea of the whole poem till the end.
AntwortenLöschenI wonder what'd happen if you rearrange the poem's structure. Cutting words here and joining lines there to one. Possibly I like the idea of playing with your poem now... shall I do so or is it ... forbidden? :)
you may... play ;-)
AntwortenLöschenNo, seriously, go ahead, play with it! I'm curious what happens to it once it gets worked on.
Done! ;)
LöschenI like a lot! again, I would rearrange the lines:
AntwortenLöschenThe impossibility
Of recapitulating the rhythm of groaning
Of putting indescribable moments
Into potentially empty words,
Before you lose your breath
Is so much more enjoyable
When we do something
Forbidden.
ya duh, now the nice image the lines created is destroyed -.- me sorry!
Löschen