Just a fortnight's fling.
Easily erased, faintly forgotten.
I embarked on a quest for distraction.
Without knowing what to find,
Longing to reinvent love.
When we met the midnight sun turned blue.
Nervous on your feet you gave an upbeat hug.
My daydreams led me to this place,
Where I always wished to be.
In the twilight of our neon days,
I welcomed you into my heart.
You won't ever have to worry
There is no need to hide.
You have seen all my mistakes
So please just look me in the eye.
When you're ready just say you are.
Don't say you love me
We both know you do.
The disguise of our love lies hidden
In an ocean full of dust.
When you're away I miss you
Like the sun misses the moon and the stars.
But when I lie awake I lose every glance of doubt.
And when you fall asleep under whichever sky,
I want to be the last thing on your mind.
just a really rough draft, so please say something :)
AntwortenLöschenI love the last stanza :) LOVE IT! I'm trying to come up with another word for "almost" in the second line... an alliteration would be great, nearly might be better than almost... fits better with easily somehow...in the second stanza, how about "hopeful hug" ? Just an idea... "Where I always wished to be" doesn't feel quite right... How about "where I was always going to be" that's a little stronger. "In the twillight of our neon days" I love that :) I think you could drop then "and" in the second line of the third stanza... And how about "when you're ready, let me know" it's less complicated... I'm tempted to suggest "an ocean full of lust"... but that's just me ;)
AntwortenLöschennice poem, I really like it! Love you :*
thanks for your comment, I changed it a bit.
AntwortenLöschenI made "faintly forgotten" out of it, making it an alliteration and giving it a more diversly interpretable meaning...
the "hopeful hug" became "an upbeat hug", I think that it suits the verse (and situation)!
I stick to "where I always wished to be" because it sounds more like me^^
I didn't change to "let me know" because I somehow want to emphasise the word "say", but then again it's already in the next line. I'll thinnk a bit more of that.
haha I actually quite like the contradiction "ocean full of dust" because it's a weird image, contradictory and dangerous at the same time. I like that. and dust has a certain connotation for me.
I guess you might have figured what this poem is about? ;)
I also changed the name of the poem, making another link to the last and strongest stanza....^^
AntwortenLöschenGosh, I LOVE "faintly forgotton" :) I think that's my new favorite alliteration :) And, yes, I think I know what it's about, but I'm not sure...
AntwortenLöschenAlso, on a completely different note, maybe we shouldn't change our posts but instead repost them with the tag "drafts" - that way, we can go back to the original if we have to - what do you ALL think? Where's the rest of the crazy people anyways? ;)
Sorry, i just read the first line and had to laugh like ...c razy. FLING. yeah. That's it.
AntwortenLöschenOk. I have no clue what it's about but it somehow puzzles me. The first stanza really sounds like "fling". short, sweet, sexy (to quote someone vey crazy) but the last three sound like "on the threshold to something very serious" and I had problems knitting them together (maybe that's becuase of my clueless existence).
AntwortenLöschenI love:
"the midnight sun turned blue"
"Don't say you love me
we both know you do"
"i want to be the last thing on your mind"
And I have a question: If both know that one loves the other why is the disguise of their love hidden in an ocean full of dust? Dust sounds to me like "old conflicts never talked about so we let the conflict sleep under a blanket of dust..."
The change of tone between the first and the other stanzas made me feel like there are actually two different poems in here. I feel that the tone of the first stanza is not picked up again at another point of the poem. Or is it just the intro and the next three stanzas are the actual story that followed the fortnights' fling (by the way: I really liked the alliterations!!)?
You see, I'm full of questions :-) Nevertheless: well done.
I realize you have worked on the poem quite a bit by now. But I wanted to add that I really love this rough draft. I would not omit the first stanza since it sets the tone, love can be serious even if it begins as a fling. The subsequent stanzas show how that spark evolves into something bigger, always suggesting that there is something in the air that might not be so easy to resolve. I like that alternating dynamic. Some images are very heavy, like ocean of dust and the sun and the moon. I do think that in this poem these 'big' words work quite well, but maybe some lighter images could help the reader to relate more to what the lovers are going through: My favorite line: longing to reinvent love....you say it so casually and it creates an interesting contrast to the 'fling' depicted in the first line
AntwortenLöschen