Nervous on your feet you gave an upbeat hug.
My daydreams led me to this place,
Where I always wished to be.
In the twilight of our neon days,
I welcomed you into my heart.
I want you and your everything,
First your smile and then your cheeks.
You won't ever have to worry
There is no need to hide.
You have seen all my mistakes
So please just look me in the eye.
When you're ready just say you are.
Don't say you love me
We both know you do.
I will fill every void
You won't ever have to worry
There is no need to hide.
You have seen all my mistakes
So please just look me in the eye.
When you're ready just say you are.
Don't say you love me
We both know you do.
I will fill every void
With good or bad souvenirs.
When you're away, I miss you
Like the sun misses the moon and the stars.
But when I lie awake I lose every glance of doubt.
And when you fall asleep under whichever sky,
I want to be the last thing on your mind.
When you're away, I miss you
Like the sun misses the moon and the stars.
But when I lie awake I lose every glance of doubt.
And when you fall asleep under whichever sky,
I want to be the last thing on your mind.
There is no price on a heart
But yours traces my nights and days.
Given Caro's suggestions, here's my second (actually third) draft of Thiassi's Eyes.
AntwortenLöschenI took Louisa's suggestions also into acount and erased the first stanza (no matter how nice the alliterations were) to make it a more wholesome poem. I also erased the ocean full of dust because it did on the one hand symbolise a rupture but that made the poem again brittle.
I also added a few lines, so please feel free to comment on the new draft :-)
OK, I like it. I think it flows better than the last draft. I'm not sure about the last two lines, though. I like "there's no price on a heart" (though I think it should be "for a heart") but I was unsure about the last one. The "but" threw me off. you could just leave it out...
AntwortenLöschenI do have to reconsider the last teo lines. I just felt like putting them in. But as far as I am concerned it has to be 'on' :-)
AntwortenLöschen