2/03/2013
Do you wanna touch me?
Just one more hour, 27 minutes and a few seconds.I will already see you in the distance.I will take a deep breath, close my eyes and count to ten.
Just so you won't notice that my mind's been going crazy for last half an hour.
On my way to you, I briefly look into a shop window to check my hair and smile.
I practiced my drop-dead-gorgeous "hey" for hours, just for this moment.
And then?
My stomach is growling.I didn't touch my leftovers. There was garlic in it.
Do I really want to kiss you tonight?
Do you actually plan to kiss me tonight?
As for recent drawback I had in my life, I definitely would kiss you.
A rather simple process, since I've never met you before.
It's been some time since our friend tried to set us up.
Tonight is our premiere. Thank god I wear my lucky jeans.
I actually don't want to be the perfect guy.
I actually want to find the guy who likes me for what I am.I somehow feel that it won't be you though.
What is all this fuss about?
Am I ready for a first date with you?
I really don't know what's ahead of me here.
Yet everything goes according to the plan.
Maybe a little bit better.
We exchange glances and laugh.
We talk about then and now.
About everything that has changed and stayed the same.
Maybe it was the booze that made me take you with me home.
To have a cup of coffee. And a little bit more.
I take your hand as we cross the empty streets. We talk and laugh.
I am so involved in getting to know you that I forget the kiss.
The lights, the water, the atmosphere. It was romantic.
I am all the more surprised when I unconsciously take a step to kiss you.
I feel like laughing.
I never convinced you to go home.
Although it might have been a better start.
I don't want to go through another catastrophe.
What I didn't realise was taht our reality has just begun.
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Kommentare zum Post (Atom)
I like it. It's my kind of poem ;) Just a few small things: I don't think the "already" works in the first line. It should either be "I will see you" or "I already see you" but not both. I also think you can leave out the "will" in the next sentence, simply say "I take a deep breath" In the second stanza, I love the questions, but the next line with the "drawbacks" seems rather clumbsy - maybe you could find other words to describe this? In the sixth stanza, it should be "home with me" I was also thinking, you don't have to repeat the word kiss. Maybe you could say something like "when I unconsciously take a step towards you" and just imply the kiss here. I like the "I feel like laughing" because it seems out of place somehow but it's really not :) I know the feeling... Maybe you could put a "tried" in the last stanza, as in "I never tried to convince you" that would make it even stronger, I think. I like it :) I would want to know more ;)
AntwortenLöschenI like the first three stanzas very much. They really reflect your feelings very well and include humour and ironic situations (garlic + kiss...).
AntwortenLöschenThe fourth stanza seems rather lost and separated here. You could get rid of it for, I believe, your thoughts here became obvious in the previous stanzas anyway.
The fifth stanza, 1st line. Is there any very specific plan you're talking about, or why is it "the plan"? Just my feeling but you could leave "the" out. In "we talk about then and now" - is it your intention to switch "now and then"? Any particular reason (i.e. e.g. forcing some chronology?). I just like the sound of "now and then" better than "then and now".
There's a minor typo in the last line. ... and I don't really like the last line at all... that's too cliche heart-warming.
Last thing: you're switching tenses a few times. I'm not sure why but I liked you using the present tense here, which helps the reader to feel like an observer of your journey here rather than being part of your time-switching thoughts and memories of the event.
thank you both, I kept your ideas in mind, especially the tense-problem. I really didn't think that through at first, thanks :)
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