I want to
trace your every line.
My fingers
exploring
the texture
of your skin
leisurely,
delicately,
slowly.
Friction
creates a steady jolt
of electricity
elating
both our heartbeats
and raising
the fine hair on your arms
as I follow
the sculpture of your limbs.
I take my
time as I explore
you
letting my
eyes run over your body
steadily,
seductively,
hungrily.
your
promising gaze mirrors
my own
darkened eyes
as our
bodies unite
and I
surrender to you.
Take my body
as you took
my soul
passionately,
thoroughly,
completely.
One of the striking parts is the strong use of your adverbs here, set in single lines as a triad. However, guess this is just me, but it reminds me of the sketches CharlyhidesTV does about Lana del Rey. Thus I'd be interested in how the poem could work without all those adverbs. ;)
AntwortenLöschenApart from that - I like the way you lead the reader through your poem and lets him discover the things you discover(ed).
The second stanza seems to be the strongest to me.
oh this is very interesting. i like it actually a lot, but I would rearrange the stanzas and change little bits! here is what I think would work immensly!
AntwortenLöschenI want to trace your every line.
AntwortenLöschenMy fingers exploring
the texture of your skin
leisurely,
delicately,
slowly.
I take my time as I explore
letting my eyes run over your body
steadily,
seductively,
hungrily.
Take my body
as you took my soul
passionately,
thoroughly,
completely.
Friction creates a steady jolt
of electricity
elating both our heartbeats
and raising the fine hair on your arms
as I follow the sculpture of your limbs.
Your promising gaze mirrors
my own darkened eyes
as our bodies unite
and I surrender to you.